Three reasons to not ignore teen pornography use

Three reasons to not ignore teen pornography use

In our technology-driven modern culture where pornographic media is increasingly common place, it can be easy to downplay the use of pornography among today’s teens as “normal curiosity”, “just a phase” or “part of exploring one’s sexuality”.  Additionally, given the deterioration of morality in society, the use of pornography is not even viewed as a problem by some and the idea of its use being pathological is mocked and ridiculed. 

Because porn is so abundant, easy to access and regularly viewed, increasing numbers of teens do not hold the belief that viewing pornography is harmful, but rather believe that “everyone is doing it” and view the behavior as normal and acceptable.

Don’t fool yourself and keep your head buried in the sand about this growing problem in our society.  Pornography use among teens can have devastating consequences.

1.       Pornography is addictive.  Neuroscience findings show that pornography addiction impacts the brain the same way that drug and alcohol addiction does.  Teen brains are particularly susceptible to pornography addiction as the neurochemicals released while viewing pornography create a euphoria not previously experienced and quickly train the brain to crave the “high” that accompanies viewing.   Easier to access and conceal than drugs or alcohol and with a virtually endless supply of free material, pornography can rapidly become an addiction and nobody but the young addict is even aware.  Breaking the addiction can be incredibly difficult.  Individuals addicted to both drugs and porn share that breaking a porn addiction can be more difficult.

2.       Pornography distorts a teen’s view of sexuality.   Unfortunately, increasing numbers of children gain their knowledge about sexuality from pornography and the internet, rather than from their parents. More cases are being seen in juvenile courts involving young children and teens exposed to pornography “acting out” activities they have viewed in pornographic media leading to problems such as sexual abuse and reckless sexual behavior.  Additionally, regular porn use leads to the “objectification of people for their bodies” rather than viewing them as individuals such as somebody’s sister or somebody’s daughter.  Young men who regularly view pornography become trained to view women as mere sex objects and young women come to believe that they must strive to have the body of a porn star to be valued by society.  Ultimately the act of sex becomes so devalued and distorted that it serves no purpose beyond a tool for selfish pleasure, rather than the cherished and respected act that is the ultimate form of expression of love and bonding between a couple and the source of creating new life.

3.       Pornography destroys relationships.  Marriage counselors have seen a dramatic rise in the number of couples experiencing marital problems as a result of pornography.  Though hard for youth to comprehend, teens addicted to pornography have trained their brains to arouse to porn, which can interfere with their ability to effectively engage in a healthy marital relationship later in life.  A recent phenomena noted by therapists and physicians is erectile dysfunction in young men who can arouse to pornography, but not to regular healthy sex with their partner.   Additionally, most spouses do not approve of their partner viewing porn.  This leads the addict to keeping the addiction secret which creates trust issues and conflict in a young marriage.  Lastly, teens that develop an addiction to pornography often do so at the expense of participation in socialization and relationships with peers.  The formation of addiction and the inability to quit viewing creates unwanted emotions of shame, guilt, embarrassment, increased secrecy, depression and self-loathing which make it more difficult in young adulthood to work toward intimacy with a partner.

Five Simple Steps for Helping Your Child Overcome Laziness

 Being lazy is not a mental health disorder, but lazy teens can be the source of family conflicts which lead to a variety of disruptive behaviors in the home.  Dealing with a chronically lazy teen can be an incredibly frustrating challenge for parents and can lead to significant stress and disruption in the family.  Listed below are five simple tips for dealing with laziness in children.

1.       Talk to your teen. Be calm and pleasant, but straight forward and assertive about the concerns.  Don't be surprised if your child responds with anger and defensiveness. Listen to their concerns and facilitate a discussion, but remain firm in your expectations.

2.       Set rules outlining expectations. Establish chores your teen, and periodically change and add to their chores.  Provide rewards and consequences for compliance.  Reward your teen for following through with the rules and implement consequences for non-compliance.  Make sure the rewards and consequences are strong enough to have an impact, whether positive or negative.  The hard part is consistency on your part.  It is vital that parents follow through with the reward or consequence.  Failure to deliver will surely reinforce laziness on the part of the child.

3.       Assess for reasons for the laziness. In some cases, there may be variables in the teen leading to laziness such as depression, sleep problems, entitlement or discouragement.  In other cases, parents’ enabling, rescuing or inconsistency may be a primary variable for why the teen is lazy.   It is important to observe and assess the reasons, which may include parents taking a hard look at themselves and their role in the problem.

4.       Outside activity. Require your child to spend time outside and physically active on a daily basis. Too many children today are spending all of their waking hours indoors staring at a computer or television screen.  Don’t allow your child to “veg” on the couch playing video games after school until bedtime.  Get your child involved in sports, physical fitness, biking, hiking, etc.  Studies show the mental health benefits of exercise and physical activity including an energy boost, and positive feelings.  Get your child outside into the sunshine, the breeze and the fresh air and get his/her blood moving to trigger endorphin release every day.

5.       Tough Love.  Don’t be afraid to exercise your role as the parent and impose hard consequences.  Have the courage to implement impactful consequences such as taking away the cell phone,  eliminating television, internet or gaming privileges.  Be calm and concerned, but be strong and firm in your expectations and stick to your guns.   If you need help to stay firm, consider working with a child therapist who can assist you in working through the issues as a parent that make it hard for you to hold firm on the consequences you impose.

Is technology changing the profile of teen sexual offenders?

Is the typical profile of a juvenile sexual offender changing as a result of exposure to the ease of access to sexually explicit material? While research in this area is lacking, some researchers are suggesting it may play a role. Among those is Dr. Michael Seto, whose results from a 2011 study suggest that more consideration needs to be given to the variables of exposure to sexual violence, exposure to sex or pornography in teen sexual offending behaviors.

Juvenile sexual offenders have often been stereotyped as socially incompetent, lacking social skills and unable to read non-verbal cues from their peers.  While social ineptness may very well be a characteristic of some teens committing sexual offenses, there is increasing reason to consider how the onslaught of sexually explicit media contributes to sexual offending among youth.

 In today’s technology and internet driven society, opportunities for children and teens to access explicit sexual material and even sexual encounters is more plentiful than at any other time in history. As a result there been an increase in wreckless and illegal sexual behavior.  Behaviors such as frequent use of pornography,  involvement in explicit sexual chats, sexting through new apps such as Vine and Snapchat, and solicitation of sex through social media are becoming increasingly common.  Obviously, the internet makes these activities easy to engage in.  Other variables also play into the increase in these behaviors among teens including the perception that “everyone is doing it”, the belief that they are acting under the cover of anonymity, and lack of immediate consequences for these actions.

Some teens who commit sex offenses are otherwise law-abiding citizens, who don’t display anti-social or pedophilic tendencies and who do not display any significant social skill deficit.  Many of these teens may not have ever crossed the line to commit illegal sexual acts were it not for exposure to sexually explicit content via the internet.

Of course, none of this makes it okay or excusable to commit a sexual offense.  A sex offense is a serious crime because there is a potential victim involved - and the possibility that someone is harmed.  That being said, for teens who commit a sexual offense, more than ever before, the variable of internet driven sexual content as a primary factor for the sex offense should be considered.   In cases where it is a factor, the standard treatment models for sex offending may not be a complete model. 

While the hard research is still lacking in this area, teen sexual offending and the use of sexually explicit internet content appears to be a growing and dangerous relationship.  Unfortunately, many juvenile sex offender treatment assessments and programs lack any significant attention to pornography and sexual addiction issues.  Programs and clinicians working with juvenile sexual offenders should give increased attention to the role that pornography and cybersex plays in teen sexual acting out.  Treatment models need to be augmented to provide specific intervention for pornography and cybersexual addiction.

Minimizing and Denial: Fatal Flaws in how Pornography Addiction Develops

The problem with any addiction is that most people don’t know just how far down the rabbit hole they’ve traveled until it’s too late. An addict will justify their situation, or trivialize it. “It’s just a little alcohol. It’s not like I need it every second!” “Everyone does it. No need to worry.” “I can stop when I want to.”

In the case of pornography, most addicts get stuck in a cycle, and can’t begin the process of recovery until they realize the severity of their problem. Indeed, with pornography so prevalent in today’s media culture, one can easily slip into a vast pit of darkness without realizing they ever fell away from the light.

Part of the problem arises from a misguided sense of denial, or an unwillingness to recognize the full extent of the problem. Denying that the problem exists allows addicts to avoid the discomfort of the shame and embarrassment that are involved with admitting to a pornography addiction.

In actuality, modern society makes it difficult to recognize the dangers of pornography addiction. Online websites and even health care and psychology professionals continue to claim the viewing of adult material as perfectly normal, while motion pictures and television shows make light of sexual addiction, creating a sense that pornography is merely a part of our culture, thus making it difficult for an addict to recognize his or her problem — the notion that “everyone does it” remains a misguided justification.

Once an addict finally recognizes the severity of the problem, it’s important for them to seek help. Unfortunately, denial can limit progression and lead to more years of abuse. “I used to look at pornography, but I don’t do it very often anymore, so it’s not really an addiction.” The correct thinking should be, “I know I am vulnerable to viewing pornography and could easily relapse, so I have to be constantly careful to avoid being in situations where I am exposed to it.”

What many people don’t understand is that breaking the shackles of pornography addiction often requires a lifetime of management to overcome. The temptation to view pornography never subsides, meaning an addict must work on controlling their desires on a daily basis — without minimizing the overall problem.

Minimizing can be just as dangerous as denial. By making a harmful action seem less significant, we hope to lessen the consequences that may result. Often times an addict uses the words “only” or “just” while minimizing in order to lessen the blow of his or her actions.

In the television series “Breaking Bad,” the main character Walter White, who transforms from timid chemistry teacher to criminal mastermind, continually minimizes his actions. Even when said actions lead to death and the destruction of his loved ones. He claims his actions are done “only for the love of his family,” and never fully comprehends just how far he’s fallen until it’s too late.

If we deceive ourselves that our hurtful or irresponsible behaviors are no big deal, then we won’t work on changing them.  Young people struggling with pornography addiction will often minimize the problem, and say, “I only look at pornography on occasion-it’s not like I’m doing it all the time-I’m not addicted.”                   

It is possible to become addicted to pornography after only viewing it once. Even the occasional viewing is highly dangerous as it warps the mind’s overall understanding of sex, turning one of God’s greatest gifts into a vile and repulsive act that results in shame and guilt. 

The correct thought for all men and women (no matter their age) should be, “Any viewing of pornography is a serious issue and only increases my chances of forming an addiction.”

As Gordon B. Hinkley once said, “Stay away from pornography as you would avoid a serious disease. It is as destructive. It can become habitual, and those who indulge in it get so they cannot leave it alone. It is addictive.”

If you are struggling with a pornography addiction, or know someone who is, don’t trivialize it. Seek help immediately so you may enjoy a life free of guilt and shame, full of happiness, friends, and love. 

Parenting Pitfall # 1: Cater to his/her every need--a sure way create entitlement issues in your kids

Parents don't do their children any favors when they reward an entitlement mentality in the home. When parents provide their children with unwarranted reinforcement, they stagnate their children’s coping capacity for handling the future realities of what it takes to be a successful young adult.  Recent studies show that this new "entitled generation" display high rates of mental health problems, loneliness, isolation and failure in their young marriages.

Hyper-vigilant parents who attempt to solve every problem for their child and can’t fathom the thought of their child being uncomfortable are doing them no favors.  Too many of these parents self-deceive and believe they are engaged in good parenting. Children of hyper-vigilant parents who have become accustomed to having the things they desire, often times, instantaneously, become entitled.  Over time, they develop a low frustration tolerance, a lack of patience, and a complete inability to deal with discomfort of any type on any level.

Too many parents today are going to great lengths to take the struggles out of life for their children. Isn’t this what good, caring parents do? Unfortunately, parental hyper-vigilance tends to make children more fragile, rather than more equipped, which explains why many of today’s youth are increasingly incapable of managing demands of life.

Some experts have labeled the youth of today as the "entitled generation".  Many teens today have become accustomed to getting what they want immediately.  Delaying gratification is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward.  Many teens today have a desire for nice things, but they don’t want to work hard for the money to obtain nice things. Too many struggle with entitlement believing that they “deserve it” or “they are owed it”.

  “Compared to previous generations, recent high-school graduates are more likely to want lots of money and nice things but less likely to say they’re willing to work hard to earn them,” according to the author of a recent study on the topic of entitlement among the rising generation. “That type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies showing a generational increase in narcissism and entitlement.”

A prime example of this is the number of elementary aged and middle school youth who have their own smart phones, but do absolutely nothing to earn the privilege of the device.  Those few kids who don’t have a smart phone, feel deprived and many attempt to convince their parents of this. The pressures in middle school only get worse in high school as kids no longer simply ask for a cell phone, but for a car, a personal laptop and spending cash at will.  Teen entitlement and inability to delay gratification are major problems in today’s culture.

Family Bootcamp is the ideal intervention for assisting parents to eliminate the entitlement mentality from their teens and provide teens with a first-hand experience in delaying gratification.  Upon arriving at the Family Bootcamp offices, the ceremonial “trade” happens where the teen hands over his/her smart phone and other hand held digital devices, and its place is given a stainless steel cooking pot which will be used for cooking meals on a camp fire for the next five days while the teen experiences life unplugged from technology and learning to survive in the high desert of Utah.  Those five days allow the teen to explore who he/she outside of their technology, friends and other material items for which they had previously developed a sense of entitlement.  Without these dependencies to hide behind, teens have to face who they really are, which sometimes can be an uncomfortable realization.

A mistaken belief many parents possess is assuming that children can't handle difficult situations. Too often parents assume that if kids start getting into difficulty they need to rush in and do it for them, rather than let them flounder a bit and learn from it.   Family Bootcamp allows children to navigate a difficult situation on their own.

There is a lesson in this for all parents.  Those who allow their kids to find a way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses by themselves are helping them develop resilience and coping strategies.  The goal of parenting is to raise an independent human being, capable of managing the demands of life.  At some point in their childhood, most kids will be forced to confront their own mediocrity.

Family Bootcamp: an unforgettable weekend for parents and struggling teens

It’s fair to say everyone wishes for a life devoid of problems, struggles and trials. An ideal world for parents would consist of picket fences; happy children and leisurely family vacations.

The harsh reality is that, while happy scenarios like the one above do exist, parenting is chock full of trying circumstances — addiction, abuse, conflicts, bad habits, etc. — that ultimately push parents to the brink. How we deal with life’s difficulties ultimately defines who we are.

Yet, overcoming such obstacles oftentimes requires more than a little help. Enter Therapy Associates, a program founded in 2008 that specializes in the treatment of children, teens and their parents, providing guidance and healing with the problems that families face in today’s society.

“Therapy Associates brings together a team of licensed clinical psychotherapists who have worked with thousands of teens and families throughout the United States,” said co-founder Matt Bulkley.

Bulkley explained that one of the most difficult challenges facing children and parents is video game and pornography addiction, a result of the technology boom that makes viewing adult material a lot easier than ever before.

On top of that, with the advent of cell phones, laptops and gaming consoles, kids are becoming increasingly dependent on technology and thus losing grip on reality.

“Most kids have never experience a single day in their lives unplugged from all technology,” Bulkley said. “They have not developed the ability to manage the demands of life without escape into technology, gaming, etc.”

“Entitlement, technology addiction, lack of frustration tolerance, depression, anxiety, laziness, disrespect to authority, lack of direction, substance use and impatience are all consequences of this trend.”

Bulkley and his Therapy Associates partners devised a solution to help in the battle against technology overload, a unique outdoors adventure known as Family Bootcamp.

Based in St. George, Utah, a locale packed to the brim with amazing scenery and exotic locales, Family Bootcamp provides youth and parents with a life changing, five-day intense, therapeutic wilderness experience in the heart of the high desert, majestic red rocks of the southwest.

“Family Bootcamp differs from traditional wilderness and residential programs because it is short-term — just five days — as opposed to nine to 12 months,” Bulkley said. “It falls in an area missing from traditional treatment. We don't believe in a ‘one-sided’ therapeutic approach ... with the Family Bootcamp — parents are involved too.  So, while the youth are experiencing the wilderness, parents remain in St. George and participate in an intensive two-day ‘Parenting Bootcamp.’

”The cost is vastly different as well — $2,500 as opposed to $50,000 to $100,000 that other facilities would charge.”

During the process, youth will experience a weekend devoid of anything technology related.

“No cell phones, no computers, no TV,” said Kena Frey, LCSW. “Being unplugged from all technology and outside communication provides a strong ‘wake up call moment’ for the youth to focus and take responsibility for the simple day-to-day tasks of their well-being including cooking, caring for their supplies and learning to use only the elements of the desert to live.”

Under the direction of Dr. Dan Sanderson, PhD, parents engage in two days of comprehensive parenting sessions focused on the discovery and disruption of unhealthy family dynamics.

“The wilderness is a wake up call, a time for reflection and a chance for kids and teens to explore who they are as individuals, away from technology, friends and the amenities of modern society,” Sanderson said.

The program takes place over a long weekend — Thursday through Monday — thus minimizing school and work absences. The location affords plenty of recreation for families during their time in St. George, as they can explore Zion’s National Park or golf on one of the many courses located in the area.

“A Family Bootcamp is the ideal intervention for families that are not yet ready to place their teen in a long-term residential treatment program, but are seeking help learning to manage problematic behaviors that are occurring in the home,” Bulkley said. “It is a great substitute for a family weekend/vacation and a highly effective way to combat family problems and find solutions.”   

For more information on Family Bootcamp, including prices, dates and additional resources visit www.familybootcamp.org.

What is “self-harm”? What is “cutting”? What is “self-mutilation”? What is “self-injury”?

The terms self-harm, cutting, and self-mutilation are all terms used to describe behavior wherein a person copes with extreme feelings of distress through intentional infliction of a physical injury upon their own body.  Self-harm behavior was once considered an unfulfilled suicide attempt.  A more recent attempt at understanding self-harm placed these behaviors in the same group as addictive behaviors.  Both of these perspectives may describe the observable acts of self-harm, but fail to explain the actual phenomenon.  Self-harm behavior is not attention seeking, is not a result of suicidal ideation, and is not the same as a drug or alcohol addiction. 

            Armando Favazza (2011) has spent more than 20 years working to make sense of this group of puzzling behaviors over time and across specific cultural groups, including teens.  Non-suicidal self injury most commonly involves minor cutting and burning behaviors.  Favazza is successful in thinking “outside the box” and presenting self-harm behaviors as more than symptoms of a specific mental illness.  These behaviors can occur within any population including teens.  This group of deliberate acts may indicate the need for positive or negative reinforcement, a low ability to tolerate distress, ineffective coping skills, and personal expectations (Favazza, 2011).

            In short, self-harm, cutting, self-mutilation, and self-injury are “morbid” forms of self-help (Favazza, 2011).  These behaviors provide temporary relief from painful feelings of distress like anxiety, feelings of being detached from one’s own body or emotions, and desperation (Nock & Prinstein, 2004).  Although alarming for those who do not engage in self-harm, Favazza (2011) describes persons who are able to control self-harm behaviors as courageous and disciplined.  The majority; however, are the others who are unable to control self-harm behaviors.  These people often experience unwanted, serious consequences like unsightly scarring and permanent physical loss.  Favazza (2011) believes that self-harm behaviors, rather than attention seeking, indicators of suicidal ideation, or addictive, demonstrate a strong will to live.  Effective treatment approaches offer more effective coping strategies for depression, anxiety, and mood disorders without the potentially high price tags.  The possibility of assisting these loved ones instills hope.

References:

Favazza, A. (2011). Bodies under seige. Baltimore, MD: The Johns Hopkins University Press.

Nock, M. K. & Prinstein, M. J. (2004). A functional approach to the assessment of self-mutilative behavior. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(5), 885-890.

Check back for parts 2 through 5 on this blog series

II. Symptoms of Self-Harm

            What does it look like when my loved one is engaging in self-harm behaviors?

III. Why Do Some Adults and Teens Choose to Self-Harm?

            How can I understand self-harm behavior?

IV. What Can I Do when My Loved One Engages in Self-Harm Behavior?

            What professional help is available for those who self-harm and those who love them?

            How can I find an intensive outpatient treatment program for self-harm?

V. Coping with Self-Harm Behavior and Moving On

            How can I find hope and healing?

"Failure to Launch Syndrome" and the Enabling Parent

Developmental stagnation in the transition phase between high school and the adult world is a problem that increasingly impacts families across the country. Recent studies suggest that over 70% of young men 18-30 still live at home with their parents and many of these young adults are not employed, attending college or otherwise working to become independent from their parents.  Many have termed this increasingly common phenomena as “Failure to Launch”. 

While it is true that finding a job and financing an education is more difficult than in past generations, too many young adult men are stagnated in their development and continue to approach life acting as if they are still teens attending high school.  Without any sense of urgency to move forward to the next stage in life, they become increasingly focused on being entertained, often with hours of video games, social media and pornography at the expense of developing the self-discipline needed to manage the demands of life in the adult world. 

Rather than allowing these young adults to continue on their “developmental vacation”, parents need to insist that their adult children continue on the path toward responsible adulthood.  Our society does not need more young men who lack self-discipline and live only to be entertained.   There are already too many young adult men who are going nowhere in life, who are not serious about forming families and making a real contribution in this world.

Sometimes, the problem is as much the parents as it is the young adult.  Parents need to learn to take a hard stand and require their young adult children to step up and be responsible.  Too many parents enable their adult child’s bad behavior, by allowing them to remain unemployed, to live at home without responsibility, to not pursue additional education and to focus their time and energy on hedonistic pursuits, rather than developing self-discipline.

Parents who find themselves with an adult child on developmental vacation often struggle to use “tough love” and despite knowing they are enabling bad behavior, continue to reward their adult child’s irresponsibility by simply doing nothing.   For parents who need a boost of support, Family Bootcamp can help.  Dr. Dan Sanderson and his team of clinical psychotherapists have worked with hundreds of families who have struggled with the failure to launch dilemma.  During the five day Family Bootcamp  that runs Thursday through Monday, parents spend their time with Dr. Sanderson in the developmental vacation parent seminar.  The young adults spend the five days learning to live in the remote Utah desert unplugged from all technology and away from the amenities of modern society.  The Family Bootcamp provides both parents and the young adult with a “wake-up call” and a strong reminder of the need for young adults to develop into responsible individuals capable of making a contribution to society.

Parental Hyper-vigilance: The Great Paradox of Parenting

Parents today are going to great lengths to take the struggles out of life for their children. Isn’t this what good, caring parents do? Unfortunately, parental hyper-vigilance tends to make children more fragile, rather than more equipped, which explains why many of today’s youth are increasingly incapable of managing demands of life.

This is the great paradox of parenting.  Well intended parents who want their children to be successful inadvertently shield them from the very lessons that will allow them to become successful.  No parent wants to see their child suffer and fail, but taking the discomfort, disappointment and struggle from their development only robs them of developing resilience and coping strategies.

Children of hyper-vigilant parents are left to manage few challenges all their own which leaves them unprepared for learning to manage the challenges that life will most assuredly provide. Over time, it stagnates a child’s development and makes them susceptible for depression, anxiety and lack of self-confidence. These mental health issues then create additional difficulties for the teen struggling to find his/her identity during the adolescent years.

Hyper-vigilant parents who attempt to solve every problem for their child and can’t fathom the thought of their child being uncomfortable are doing them no favors.  Too many of these parents self-deceive and believe they are engaged in good parenting.

Children of hyper-vigilant parents who have become accustomed to having the things they desire, often times, instantaneously, become entitled.  Over time, they develop a low frustration tolerance, a lack of patience, and a complete inability to deal with discomfort of any type on any level. 

The unfortunate reality for these children is that life is full of discomfort.  As these children go through their teen years they are unable to solve problems and deal with the daily dilemmas they encounter.  These seemingly small dilemmas become the genesis of the mental health issues including depression anxiety, substance use, technology and video game addictions.

There is a lesson in this for all parents.  Those who allow their kids to find a way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses by themselves are helping them develop resilience and coping strategies.  The goal of parenting is to raise an independent human being, capable of managing the demands of life.  At some point in their childhood, most kids will be forced to confront their own mediocrity.

A mistaken belief many parents possess is assuming that children can't handle difficult situations. Too often parents assume that if kids start getting into difficulty they need to rush in and do it for them, rather than let them flounder a bit and learn from it.   

Communication is key for preventing teen drug abuse

Confronting teen drug abuse can be a difficult endeavor for parents.  Often, parents are not fully aware of the extent that the teen is using drugs, and the teen is in denial about the impact that their substance abuse is having on their life. All too often, the drug of choice for teens is becoming prescription drugs.  Teen alcohol use also continues to pose a significant risk for today’s youth.   Intervening early and getting help is key to preventing a teen from spiraling into a full blown addiction.  Research shows that parental communication with their teens about drug and alcohol use is vital.  When the communication breaks down, then professional help in the form of family therapy is needed.  Listed below are twelve facts about teen drug use:

1.       More teens die from prescription drugs than heroin/cocaine combined.

2.       More than 60 percent of teens said that drugs were sold, used, or kept at their school.

3.        1 in 9 high school seniors has tried Spice/K2 (synthetic marijuana).

4.       4.  1.3 percent of seniors have used bath salts – which is incredibly disturbing given its adverse side effects.

5.       Young people who drink alcohol are 50 times more likely to use cocaine than teens who never drink.

6.       About 64 percent of teens surveyed who have abused pain relievers say they got them from friends or relatives.

7.       In 2012, 15 percent of high school seniors used prescription drugs. However, 35 percent feel regular use is risky.

8.       Around 28 percent of teens know a friend or classmate who has used ecstasy, with 17 percent knowing more than one user.

9.       Adderall use (often prescribed to treat ADHD) has increased among high school seniors from 5.4 percent in 2009 to 7.6 percent.

10.   Only 35 percent of 12th graders believe that using Adderall occasionally is risky.

11.    By the 8th grade, 29.5 percent of adolescents have consumed alcohol, 15.5 percent have smoked cigarettes, and 15 percent have used marijuana.

12.   Teens whose parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drugs are 42 percent less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don't. However, only a quarter of teens report having these conversations.

13.    6.5 percent of high school seniors smoke daily, up from 5.1 percent five years ago. Meanwhile, only 20.6 percent of 12th graders think occasional use is harmful, while 44 percent see regular use as harmful (lowest numbers since 1983).

Struggling with your Teen? Give him/her a Weekend Wake-Up Call!

Seasoned parents often agree that the years spent parenting teens are among the most challenging.  Some draw a comparison between the “terrible two’s” and the teen years as children in both stages are known for throwing temper tantrums, being stubborn, unreasonable and attempting to exert their independence.  Parents hope that in both stages, that children outgrow the phase and begin to exhibit more acceptable behavior.

When behavior problems in teens continue to escalate despite parents best efforts, then sometimes outside intervention is necessary.  Treatment programs for teens are very costly and typically range between $5,000 to $10,000 per month and most programs require that youth remain in the program for around one year or longer.  Unfortunately, many families simply can’t afford this price tag.   Some families utilize a local therapist and outpatient therapy can be helpful and many families benefit from outpatient services. However, most outpatient therapy is only one hour per week and is just not enough intervention as the teen will quickly revert to problematic behaviors shortly after leaving the therapist’s office.

A unique and impactful intervention for struggling teens and their parents is Family Bootcamp. www.familybootcamp.org.  Based in beautiful St. George, Utah; the Family Bootcamp provides  teens and parents with a life-changing five day intense, therapeutic wilderness experience in the heart of the high desert, majestic red rocks in Southern Utah.   Family Bootcamp is the ideal intervention for families that are not yet ready or able to place their teen in a long-term residential treatment program but are seeking help learning to manage problematic behaviors that are occurring in the home.

Teens at Family Bootcamp trade in their smart phone for a sleeping bag and a cooking pot and experience  a “strong wake-up call” over a five-day weekend (Thursday through Monday) that life as they had been living it, needs to change.   Rather than spending the weekend hanging out with friends and disregarding family rules and responsibility, teens at Family Bootcamp spend the weekend hiking and camping in the high desert of Utah unplugged from all technology and the amenities of modern society.  Their parents also spent the weekend in St. George, Utah participating in a two day parenting-seminar and obtaining valuable instruction, education and support for changing the family dynamics that are contributing to the teen’s acting out problems.

If you are struggling with a teen-aged child and want a “weekend wake-up call” then Family Bootcamp is for you!

What style of parenting is best for dealing with teens?

In our work with teens, this is a question we frequently are asked by parents who are struggling with how to best manage a difficult teen.  While there is not a “one size fits all” fits all approach to parenting teens, it is safe to state that most parenting experts agree that an Authoritative approach to parenting tends to be effective in most circumstances.  To help you understand authoritative parenting, we have listed the four most common categories of parenting below to refresh your memory about different parenting styles:

Authoritarian Parenting

In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Children’s unwilling to follow the rules usually results in some form of punishment.  Typically, authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply state, "Because I said so." Or “Because I am the parent.”  Typically Authoritarian parents  have high expectations, but are not responsive to their children.

Authoritative Parenting

Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, Authoritative parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are more responsive to their children and willing to entertain  questions and dialogue. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. Permissive parents tend to be more responsive than demanding. They tend to be lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable autonomy and usually avoid confrontation.  Permissive parents tend to be nurturing and communicative with their children; however, they often make the damaging mistake of taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.

Uninvolved Parenting

An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their teen's life.  As teens become independent and separate from their parents, uninvolved parents become even more detached. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect tOptionshe needs of their children.

Teen Entitlement-Trade the smartphone for a cooking pot for the weekend!

Some experts have labeled the youth of today as the "entitled generation".  Many teens today have become accustomed to getting what they want immediately.  Delaying gratification is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward.  Many teens today have a desire for nice things, but they don’t want to work hard for the money to obtain nice things. Too many struggle with entitlement believing that they “deserve it” or “they are owed it”.

  “Compared to previous generations, recent high-school graduates are more likely to want lots of money and nice things but less likely to say they’re willing to work hard to earn them,” according to the author of a recent study on the topic of entitlement among the rising generation. “That type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies showing a generational increase in narcissism and entitlement.”

A prime example of this is the number of elementary aged and middle school youth who have their own smart phones, but do absolutely nothing to earn the privilege of the device.  Those few kids who don’t have a smart phone, feel deprived and many attempt to convince their parents of this. The pressures in middle school only get worse in high school as kids no longer simply ask for a cell phone, but for a car, a personal laptop and spending cash at will.  Teen entitlement and inability to delay gratification are major problems in today’s culture.

Parents don't do their teens any favors when they reward an entitlement mentality in the home. When parents provide their children with unwarranted reinforcement, they stagnate their children’s coping capacity for handling the future realities of what it takes to be a successful young adult.  Recent studies show that this new "entitled generation" display high rates of mental health problems, loneliness, isolation and failure in their young marriages.

Family Bootcamp is the ideal intervention for assisting parents to eliminate the entitlement mentality from their teens and provide teens with a first-hand experience in delaying gratification.  Upon arriving at the Family Bootcamp offices, the ceremonial “trade” happens where the teen hands over his/her smart phone and other hand held digital devices, and its place is given a stainless steel cooking pot which will be used for cooking meals on a camp fire for the next five days while the teen experiences life unplugged from technology and learning to survive in the high desert of Utah.  Those five days allow the teen to explore who he/she outside of their technology, friends and other material items for which they had previously developed a sense of entitlement.  Without these dependencies to hide behind, teens have to face who they really are, which sometimes can be an uncomfortable realization.

Technology Addictions and Teens

Addiction to the internet, video game addiction and cell phone addiction have become an ever increasing part of our fast paced, technology centered culture. Unfortunately many teens and young adults are drawn in by an obsession with violent video games or simply waste valuable time with countless hours of addictive gaming.

This type of compulsive use of technology is not only wasteful but could also be dangerous for children and teens who find themselves addicted to internet chat rooms where anonymity often leads to bad decisions and further destructive behaviors. Chat room and internet dating addictions often lead to diminished social skills and an inability to relate to others on a personal level.  These problems have become even more severe with increased use of mobile devices. Excessive texting, emailing and instant messaging is becoming more and more common.

Parents are often unaware or naive to the addictive and destructive behaviors of their children or become aware only after addictive and compulsive behavioral patterns have become well established.

Education and prevention of these problems is the best way to help the rising generation of teens learn to manage technology in a responsible way.  A group of therapists in St. George, Utah have developed a unique and powerful intervention for both teens and their parents for assisting in this purpose.  The program is called Family Bootcamp  www.familybootcamp.org and provides a five day therapeutic experience for both parents and child in developing strategies for responsible use of technology in the family.

My child doesn’t listen to me and is quite disrespectful. Should I send him to bootcamp?

Question:  My child doesn’t listen to me and is quite disrespectful.  I find him lying and he will not follow any of the household rules.  He does not participate in any family chores or activities and I am worried that he is setting a poor example for his two younger siblings. When he is home he isolates himself in his room playing video games but most of the time he is away from home and I don’t know where he goes.  The school counselor arranged for him to see a therapist, but he only went twice and refuses to return.  I think he has very little respect for me and doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.  He doesn’t have a father in his life and I am thinking that I should send him to a “boot camp” where he can learn to appreciate how well he has it at home, and so that he has to mind other men who won’t be intimidated if he yells or threatens them.  Is this a good idea?

Answer:  It is good that you are realizing that the difficulties that you are experiencing with your child need to be addressed, and it sounds as though it has been a somewhat exasperating journey to this point.  You are not alone in your thinking and oddly enough, the term “Boot Camp” is one of the most frequently searched terms when parents are attempting to access assistance in addressing issues with their out-of-control adolescents.

At this point, I believe that there are very few “boot camps” left in existence, and those that are still around tend to be those associated with specific state-run juvenile justice programs.  Boot camps achieved the height of their popularity between ten and fifteen years ago and tended to receive at best, mixed reviews.  The benefits from having an adolescent participate in a boot-camp experience tended to be somewhat fleeting.  While there is a degree of satisfaction associated with the idea that the adolescent would be forced into compliance, and that they would experience a rather harsh environment without any of the amenities at home, most of the compliance disappeared as soon as the adolescent returned to his or her home environment and there were no longer two big guys around to ensure that the child would do what they requested.  In addition, the boot-camp model was based on a time-limited model of 30 or 45 days in which the adolescent would “do his time” knowing that he would be leaving after a specified period of time.  Most adolescents are able to adjust their behavior to get what they want when they know that ultimately they will still be in control of the dynamic of the relationship.  This tends to be evidenced frequently when a parent removes access to their child’s electronics—such as a cell phone, etc.  Kids will comply if their compliance behavior is focused toward someone else doing what they want them to do.

The problem as you describe with your child is not necessarily one limited to the notion of “compliance”.  The difficulty is that your child has resisted the process in which he will allow you to be the parent in the relationship with him.  The real difficulty lays in the fact that the relationship which you have with your child has very little meaning to him and has little influence on his decision-making behavior.  Instead of being the parent or even of being a human of influence in your child’s life, you are relegated to the role of an object which your child uses and controls as a means of reaffirming his own sense of self-importance.  As long as your child continues to control the relationship, he will maintain a sense of himself as being the “center of the universe” and your role will continually be maintained as the “human ATM” who pays to ensure that he can remain in the role of the “center of the universe”.

While this is not necessarily an uncommon condition for parents with their out-of-control adolescents, it can be quite frustrating because children are much more practiced in their ability to retain control of the relationship than parents are in attempting to understand the dynamic and addressing it.  This is the core concept associated with the “Developmental Vacation” model of adolescent treatment which we have pioneered over the course of the last 20 years.  Instead of attempting to find a situation in which compliance is the key goal of treatment, parents do best by finding a treatment regimen that reflects the notion that their child controls the relationship and which can successfully disrupt and realign that dynamic.  While this may be difficult to accomplish on an out-patient basis, there are certainly more appropriate and effective choices for treatment than the “boot camp” model.